Ring Lardner
Oakland Enquirer/February 15, 1919
Friend Harvey:
Well Harvey I figured they might be something in the mail that would give me a idea of something to write about and sure enough the letter I opened up was from a party that makes caskets and sent me a blotter with a beautiful girl on it named Edith and it says caskets, robes, linings, hardware, undertakers’ supplies of every description and prompt service so now I can just keep the blotter here on the desk and the minute I want one of them things I won’t have to look in the telephone book.
And the next letter I opened up was from the committee that’s trying to get money for the Armenians and etc. and they wanted I should mention their drive and it seems like they want $2,031,905 and they have got it figured out that if everybody in Chi that didn’t subscribe to the Lardner relief fund would subscribe $1 for this fund they would romp over the top and it looks to me like they had a great week for it because I have met a whole lot of weeks in the last 6 or 7 years but I never seen a week where people was so crazy to loosen up and get rid of their jack, and I have had the last 8 or 9 meals downtown and haven’t paid for one of them yet and just the minute a man thinks maybe he is stung for the check Morris Gest or Barney Oldfield or somebody takes it away from you and it’s either let them pay it or start a brawl, and Barney not only pays the checks but he said he would sell me a set of his tires for the same price anybody else would half to pay for them.
But speaking about the Armenians and Syrians it seems like they was 4,000,000 of them starving which is a whole lot more than the number of Lardners that was in the same predicament before my big drive come off so it’s going to take a lot more jack and I figured the best way can help out is to go home for a few meals and maybe the birds that been paying my checks will give to the Armenians So the next letter I opened up was from a merchant here in Chi and they didn’t seem to be no plot to it but just a bunch of figures and it kind of made me disgusted so I quit opening them.
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