Ring Lardner
Los Angeles Evening Express/October 3, 1919
CINCINNATI, Oct 3—Gents: The biggest scandal of a big yr of baseball scandals was perpetrated down here yesterday PM, when the American league turned against itself and beat the White Sox out of the 2nd game of the present horror. Whoever is running the serious went and hired Mr. Announcer at the Washington ball park to come and announce for this serious, thinking he was a fair-minded American leaguer, and what does he do yesterday but announce Mr. Wingo as the catcher for the Reds, and fool a Mr. Gleason into thinking Mr. Ivy was going to catch and as he hits left-handed, Mr. Kid started a left-handed pitcher, instead of going through with his original plan, which was to pitch Mr. Red Faber.
Before the mistake could be rectified Mr. Game started. If I was running an event as big as this I would try and get a loyal Mr. Announcer who would announce the right Mr. Catcher and not cross up his own league, and as far as that is concerned I could of got down there and told the people the right Mr. Catcher who was going to catch, and maybe nobody wouldn’t of had to go to the expense of getting a Mr. Man from Washington to announce the wrong catcher, as some other goof is paying my expenses down here. That was the first break of the game, and the second was the trick Mr Scoreboard, which would not register strikes. This was fatal. For instance, in the 4th inning up come Mr. Morris Rath, and Mr. Williams kept pitching and pitching to Mr. Rath and had him struck out at least a dozen times, but Mr. Evans would look up at Mr. Scoreboard and no strikes was registered there, so Mr. Evans finely got sick of looking at the left side of Mr. Morris’ profile and said “You walk Mr.” So Mr. Morris had no choice only to walk and say thank you, Mr. Umpire, as an umpire is a czar in a event of this kind.
Forgot His Name
The next bird up, who I have forgot his name, and anyway it don’t make no difference, and besides that he got out. But a man named Mr. Groh and a man named Mr. Roush kept their bat on their shoulder and watched the scoreboard, and next thing you know they was both misters on base, and then Mr. Larry Kopf popped one up between Messrs. Felsch and Jackson for 3 bases, and Mr. Me took a long nap, and the next time I looked at Mr. Scoreboard some club had 3 runs, which I have nicknamed Mr. Tallies.
Coming down in a friendly but tedious Mr. Taxicab after the game, somebody asked me what I thought about Mr. Game, so I said I didn’t see the game from where I sat, Mr., as where we was the Mr. Umpires looked like so many Mr. Ants. Though I know them all personally and they are not ants, though their best friend couldn’t say they wasn’t like some kind of insect.
From a baseball standpoint, if there is any such thing, the thing that impressed me was Mr. Felsch, who I have decided that the minute we get back to old Chi we will have his first name changed from Mr. Happy to Mr. Lucky. The first three or four times Mr. Felsch come up Mr. Felsch sacrified, and then all of a sudden Mr. Felsch popped up a fly to Mr. Roush while Mr. Weaver was loitering on Mr. Third Base, and Mr. Roush seems to have caught it while facing Kentucky, and if he hadn’t of why Mr. Felsch could have scored 3 times, which would of tied up the game.
Up Comes Mr. Lucky
Later in Mr. 8th Inning up comes Mr. Lucky again, with Mr. Jackson on the keystone sack, and knocked down Mr. Groh, but when Mr. Groh finely got up Mr. H. Groh had the baseball in his hands and threw it over to this First Mr. Baseman, who I have forgot his name, but speaking of names it will be Mr. Lucky Felsch hereafter far as Mr. Me is concerned.
There is a wild rumor around that Mr. Gleason wants the 4th inning eliminated for the rest of the serious, and I don’t care which inning they do cut out as long as they cut out one or maybe win a game, which will merely elongate the serious. So whatever happens we are the Mr. Losers in the 7th innings.
A effigy was threw out of a airship and landed on the middle of Mr. Diamond, and for a minute I hoped it was me, but it turned out different. I don’t know who was playing, but I think it was Columbus and Ohio—anyway I think Mr. Ohio won. Pay your war tax as you pass out.
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