Ring Lardner
Calgary Herald/January 5, 1922
To the editor: Out in Chicago a wile ago they had a convention at insurance men from all over the country and I don’t know what business they done or how they behaved themselves but they was one thing that come up during the session which I am sure the most of my readers can’t help from being interested in same and that was a report made by a man that get paid big money for figuring out how long people is libel to live and this man, he suppose to be an expert on the subject and his remarks is taken for gospel truth though he is in the insurance business.
Well friends here is what this man had to say. He says that on acct. of prohibition and because the human race are getting more and more careful what they put in their stomach and learning how to take care of theirself and paying more tension to little things that ails them, why he says that prettv near everybody is now living 10 yrs. longer than they use to and it won’t be long till they are liveing to be 300 yrs. old instead of 70 yrs. old and if a man dies before he has reached the 250th millstone they will say he was cut off in his prime or died of infantile paralysis or something.
That is what the man said and he is supposed to know what he is talking about and it looks to me like we should ought to face the situation and get ready for same and change things around so as to meet the new conditions because wile the way we live now may be O.K. for 70 yrs., still and all, life is libel to loose some of its zip by the time you have added 230 yrs. on top of the 70.
Like for inst. most people gets married when the man is around 26 yrs. old and the gal 24. Well friends, the way it is now days that leaves them 45 yrs. to live together and even that long gets to to be a kind of a strain even if you are married to the nicest little gal in the world.
Suppose it was 275 yrs. instead. I am afraid that once or twice during the last 250 yrs. one or the other of the partys might maybe forget themselves for a minute and say something to eaoh other besides, “Kiss me.”
Even with only 45 yrs. on the schedule I know of wifes that act like they was bored when their husband brings a man friend home to dinner and they set around till 2 A.M. talking about the time they got stewed in New Haven.
Suppose the Mrs. had to listen to that story once a wk. for 2-1/2 centuries. I bet they would come a evening dureing the last couple 100 yrs. when she would forget her manners and doze off with her mouth open.
Search for Salads
Not only that but in the average family we will say that the husband and wife eats their supper away from home 15 times per annum. That leaves 350 days when the Mrs. got to plan for supper at home. Over the present span of 45 yrs. of married life she has got to plan 16,150 suppers. Even that number gets to seem pretty big after a wile but suppose the duration was lengthened to 275 yrs. or a total of 96,250 suppers. At the last few 1,000 suppers it would be pretty near impossible to serve up some kind of a salad that they hadn’t never eat before.
As far as a man is concerned we can figure that a man with ordinary self respects begins shaveing when they are 18 yrs. old and shaves every day from then on. If he lives 70 yrs. he shaves somewheres around 18,000 times and and every time he shaves why his whiskers gets all the more tougher. If he has got to live 300 yrs. that means 102,930 times which he must shave himself and I wouldn’t be surprised if during the last 100 shaves some of the larger whiskers would half to be blasted out like a stump.
Further and more take a man that is 35 yrs. old which statistics says is about the age which the majority of people is that old, well it takes all the ready money he can lay hold of to provide himself with nourishments enough to last the rest of the 70 yrs. now on the schedule. Where and the he–ll is he going to dig up money for a 265 yrs. supply of vermouth?
Or take for inst. a chorus gal and the way it is now she can get a job up to the time she is about 32 and that leaves her 38 yrs. to live on what she may of saved out of meager salary. Well if it gets to be 268 yrs. instead of 38 yrs. why I am afraid they won’t be no danger of her gorgeing herself at her last few meals.
The same problems comes up in every walk of life and applys to men and women of all sexes. The way we are liveing now are we lucky to get by with 70 yrs. but if you add 230 yrs. to the span they will half to be changes in our scheme of life and it looks to me like now is the time to get ready for them. They will half to be changes made in the laws in regards to the legal age which people is allowed to do certain things because if we was to try and live 300 yrs. under the 70 yr. code why the last 250 yrs. would be so much alike that everybody would gap themselves to death.
Changing Life’s Schedule
So in the 1st place I suggest that boys and gals both be kept on a milk diet till they are 50 and then wean them and put them in rompers. Gals should ought to have their coming out party when they are 75 and before that make them wear their hair and skirts down. A boy could get his 1st long pants when he was 70 and vote when he was 76. On his 151st birthday he would be eligible for president of the U. S.
A boy and gal under 76 and 98 resp. would half to get their parents consent to get married. In the case of another war the age for the 1st draft would be between 63 and 150. They would half to be a child labor law preventing employment of boys and gals under 55 yrs. old and kiddies under 60 would be kept off the stage.
All persons of both screes under 60 yrs. of age must be in their home by 8 p.m. A person that worked 225 yrs. for one firm would be entitled to a pension. It would be vs. the law for a boy under 52 yrs. old to caddy. The last named law is all ready in effect at Ardsley on the Hudson.
That is some of the changes that will half to come in force to make life bearable when it lasts 300 yrs. and then of course they’s other things that won’t half to be changed by law but will adjust themself when the time comes.
Like for inst. a few yrs. from now when you walk along the st. and you happen to see a limousine gliding along with Mr. Rockefeller setting in the back seat you won’t say to your companion there goes old John D. You will probably exclaim what a pretty baby.
The Archive 